Comedians on Golf: The Best Golf Quotes

If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt. - Dean Martin

Golf is a game where white men can dress up like black pimps and get away with it. - Robin Williams

If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. - Bob Hope.

Obviously a deer on the fairway has seen you tee off before when he knows that the safest place to be is right down the middle. - Jackie Gleason

Although golf was originally restricted to the wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anyone who owns hideous clothing. - Dave Barry

The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so that you can't see him laughing. - Phyllis Diller

Give me golf clubs, fresh air, and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the golf clubs and fresh air. - Jack Benny

The place of the father in the modern family is a very small one, especially if he plays golf. - Bertrand Russell

Golf is more fun than walking naked in a strange place, but not much. - Buddy Hackett

I don't like to watch golf on television because I can't stand people who whisper. - David Brenner

I don't care to join any club that is prepared to have me as a member. - Groucho Marx

When someone has a bad day like that on the golf course, you say, Greg, you look good, you look fantastic. I like your shoes, I like your pants, I like your...well, the hat's okay. I mean, you need to keep it light. Instead they say, Greg, what's next? Suicide? Alcoholism? Drugs? - Bill Murray

Golf requires goofy pants and a fat ass. You should talk to my neighbor, the accountant. Probably a great golfer. Huge ass. - Adam Sandler (in Happy Gilmore)

I'm the kind of guy who has to tell his wife he's going to Hooters so he can go play golf. - Ray Romano

Anyone who likes golf on television would enjoy watching the grass grow on the greens. - Andy Rooney

O.J. Simpson has already received the ultimate punishment. For the rest of his life, he has to associate with golfers. - George Carlin

I did not want to turn to golf because golf is about as much exercise as shuffling cards. - Bill Cosby

When you start driving your ball down the middle, you meet a different class of people. - Phil Harris

He didn't wear the green jacket [from the Maseters Tournament] did he? Why would he do that? Who wears a green jacket if you're not spanking a hooker? - Brad Garret

[Asked whether his wife helped him prepare for his tournaments, Jack Nicklaus replied, "She kisses my golf balls before every tournament."] "Does that make your putter flutter?" - Johnny Carson